What the Afflux?

The Riv Community is reading 1 Peter this month, everyday, in its entirety. I haven't really given much time to this Book in a while. It has been incredibly refreshing to me. I have been alternating each day reading it in the ESV and The Message, but the past few days I have ended up reading it in both. There are a handful of thoughts/verses that have continuously spiritually medicinally soothed my soul like a skilled surgeon removing painful tumors from my heart and mind (I really wanted to say scrotum b/c it seemed funny in my head, but I didn't say scrotum!). One is chapter 5, verses(ish) 1-3 ......"care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepherd-.......tenderly showing the way". *&$@! (expletive)- I wrote in the side of my bible- "Do I do this? God help me!" My great fear in this life is that my life won't matter. That what I am, what I do will have no lasting effect, if any at all. I often struggle (I am being brutally transparent here, please- for those who wish to crush me, gently and kindly exit now) with identity crisis. I know that I shall never be famous, or pastor a mega church, and I am good with that, for the most part (I say most part, b/c I don't know my wicked heart, and don't want to be so foolishly arrogant as to think I know myself better than God, or the community to which I have been given trust, and entrusted to). In my insecurity, I wonder often- does what I do matter? Then I read in Peter's beautiful letter: "Be content with who you are and don't put on airs.God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." I realize this isn't the best translation, but oh how our Creator, Sustainer, Rescuer restored my weak mind and heart! God is Faithful through Jesus the Christ our LORD! To rip off our good friend Beth K, I am in love w/ Jesus (sorry Mark Driscoll for using this language that you hate- "In love with Jesus",- is it possible to say that and not mean it romantically?? I guess it's hard to see that when women are only good for 3 things... sorry for this rant, I read some crap by him yesterday that is pissing me off)- and I know Jesus most through His Kingdom Community that is nicknamed The River. It is there I see Him so real, alive, incarnate. One friend texted me with the same feelings of insecurities: the conversation we had was so healing for me (you know who you are- thank you). Another communal member wrote a letter in their own hand (like we talked about a few weeks back). The words proved timely for me in this crisis of identity. I am unworthy of the things that were said, but grateful eternally for them. Another drank coffee w/ me and enjoyed some laughs, some stories, work- I left encouraged. Your friendship is a constant rock in my life. Another has spent time with a few times this week. We wrestled, we hugged, we shed tears, we provoked unto love and good works- I am always better for our friendship. another had a sweet midnight conversation with me on a couch. Listening to boring stories, and sharing their heart- My sweet Tori (I love you sooo much, the delight of being your dad and pastor is one of life's great rewards). Another cuddled with me and loved on me in special ways- thanks Daniel, Just kidding- My Beautiful Wife Samantha who is a constant reminder that I am blessed by God and favored immeasureably. This community has been Jesus saving me over and over again a thousand times! It makes the pains of life endurable, and hopeful that "though our outer person seen as a body is wasting away, our inner person of soul is being renewed always. these momentary sufferings do not compare with the weight of glory beyond all comparison". Yesterday I was rescued from rejection from one of my mentors calling me a heretic. The words stung as I heard him say- "the problem with the emerging church is that is focuses on the praxis of the gospel"-right after i said that is what attracts me to it. It was mind blowing, dumbfounding- yet I was rescued by Jesus incarnate through His Spirit filling the Church, some know as The River! The Riv- I love you more than my fallen, broken, crippled self could ever demonstrate- Lord Jesus, redeem my love and make it whole. To Jesus, to you belongs all glory forever and ever. Amen. Torn between who I was, am, and who God's amazing grace/mercy are causing me to become- Inspired to Be An Afflux of authentic Life with The River, God's people abroad, and all those have ever, or who will come to confess Jesus as Lord- sc