Confessional Christianity

It's hard following Jesus. Some days I want to quit. As I grow older, the more I realize just how full of pride I am. It's becoming quite burdensome on my heart, my soul. The weight is more than I can bear, and confessing this to those who'd respond w/ > "Just give it to Jesus"- only adds to my immeasureable pride as thoughts of evil murder race through my mind. I often seek counsel as a pretense in order to solicate- "No, Sam, you are doing the right thing. You are brilliant!". I find myself looking down on people as if they have no business counseling me. PRIDE- is the death of me. I'm in a hell that I have no ability, and in all honesty-it appears little desire to escape. I say this b/c I desire greatly to escape, and yet I feed this Hellish pride constantly. I used to think that being a good Christian was to be a Confessional Christian- that is one who Professes Jesus with great oratory exuberance. The more verbose I was in lauding Him, the better Christian I was/am. Its rather easy to speak well of Jesus, even to those who could care less about him. He's quite popular. And speaking well of him actually, frequently serves the Pride that seems to encapsulates me succintly. So, I learning experientially that Confessing Christianity is crucial- only I suck at it. I hate it. I've been trying to confess my pride, wickedness......its really hard. Its hard because it like spreading your legs while providing steal-toed boots to the listener(s) and saying- "Go ahead- kick away". Such vulnerability is difficult to say the least. For the most part people either say nothing- or offer trite counsel that seems an attempt to thwart my pride w/ their's-which only serves as a reminder of why my pride needs confessing-b/c I don't was someone elses pride to be the source of humbling I so desparetly need. So where does that leave me? I wish I had something profound to say to the one of two readers of this pathetic attempt to expose my own pride the enslaves me to a self-imposed hell. But I have nothing profound to say. I'm tired. I'm extremely insecure these days. I feel unappreciated (I realize this is my pride, and not really a testament to those in my life). And as I think through- I can proudly boast why I should be appreciated, but my pride through insecuties wins the battle. I am trapped on all sides by my own wickedness. I realize that this type of vulnerable confession-well gives cause for other's to crush me. Perhaps that's what I need. I doubt too many will read this (If any at all). That's fine. Somehow I feel better putting it out there. I, somewhere hidden deep inside of me, is this desire to live for the glory of Jesus, his way/life, and as him (in my 'effed' up way) for the good of others. I am trying to learn his humility- the kind that left Divine Privilleges, to be Human-and not in the Adamic sense, but the "this sucks" sense. Some how amidst the Hell of life on earth, he discovered, demonstrate Heaven. I've seen it a few times......and I want to see it more. So-I confess! I confess I am one prideful bastard...literally.. I'm an illegetimate child of God (I don't mean this as anything on God, but only my own unworthiness). God, I am sorry. I wish I could overcome this, but I can't. LORD, you know what I can and can't handle better than me. So, when I feel crushed, help me to see that you thought I could handle it. Help me to see that confessing it is only helping me grow. You know what I am trying to say. In my mind I am laboring to find profound ways of saying this to potentially impress that guy who'll read this (thanks Jason)...so I just say-sorry for being so full of pride. .... Maybe I should get some Manpons for my PMS (Prideful Man Syndrome).

"YOU KNOW WHO" is attacking!

Saturday morning I sat and listened to a devotion as the leader was complaining about "The Devil". "He'll attack us b/c we are doing things for Jesus!" Monday I spoke with a close brother in the Lord who lives out his faith slightly different than those of us at The Riv. While speaking he told me of how he and his wife were visited by two young mothers, both in their early twenties. They were talking about children when this friend of mine turned the conversation to "spiritual" things (his words). The older couple had just met one of the young ladies (and they are Grand Parents in law to the other). She had been in their apartment for 15 minutes. Upon the sudden transition in conversation she insisted she needed to go immediately to tend to her daughter. My old friend said "The enemy was thwarting what God was trying to do". Another long time friend I have frequently attributes just about every little frustration to mmmmmmmmmmm could it be "SATAN" (said in the church lady voice:) ) ? Whatever the devil is or isn't, I don't pretend to have figured it out. I know growing up he (satan) was real in my belief system. It seemed imperative for him to be. Whether or not scripture intends for us to be aware of a real "figurative" lion roaring about seeking to devour "christians" and potential candidates for "the sinners prayer" or not- doesn't seem to be an issue of primary importance to me at this time in my life. One thing I know is that people are more than wicked enough often, to account for all that is wrong with the world. Whatever the devil is, it seems that in the old Hebrew story, he?/she?/he-she?/other(s.....inside family joke)? this devil lost out on the Heavenly Kingdom b/c it wanted to take the place of God in receiving honor, glory, and worship. It wanted to be higher than God in glory. So, wouldn't it be congruent with those who Love Jesus to NOT give this enemy CREDIT for things it may or may not have anything to do with? In addition to this possible unintended worship, it seems also plausible that attributing things to it, removes not only potential fault on ourselves, but lends itself not even considering if we are in the wrong.................. I desire to witness to a young lady of who Jesus is, but she has had countless bad experiences of judgmental "christians" telling he of her evils of mothering a bastard child. Perhaps she isn't convinced I love her, and that my motives are less than pure. Perhaps a pastor, deacon, or another church leader abused her, and I don't know that b/c I haven't taken the time to "LISTEN" to her. (Listening is fresh in my mind both b/c we are reading James this month at the riv, and I am discussing the verse on "be quick to hear" this Sunday). Perhaps, I mean JUST MAYBE, he sudden desire to leave has something to do with me? What if THE ENEMY has nothing to do with it all. What if I'm the enemy of my own spiritual desires? How would we consider that if we jump to "It's the enemy"? What if we Christians began to consider others? What if we actually took time to listen to where people have been, their personal story (instead of assuming they're all the same.......birth, sin, wicked action, need 3-5 point gospel presentation)? What if we, like the Paul of the bible we love to quote so often- we departed to people not only the gospel, but our very own souls (1 Thess 2:8...which seems to be the FULL gospel!). What if we were quick to hear, sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow to speak, and slow to anger (at the damned Devil...b/c after all we may be our own enemy)? What if Christians acted like Jesus? WOW! What a wonderful world this would become! I am sure that I am an enemy to my own desire in this. I am positive someone will read this as unloving, and they are right in large measure b/c I am ever so slowly growing into the image of Jesus. I confess that. I have been guilty of everything I admonish here, and still am. And I am sure the devil has little (unless I am in some way it) to do with my wickedness. I am no victim, i am simply a muddy, marred, fading image of the ONE (JESUS) who created me and this whole world- slowly, painfully slowly, being redeemed-Created ANEW! My hope, my prayer is that I, as messed up as i am, be submissive to my King, to his community, and those God graces me to live near. God forgive me please for my quick mouth, slow ears, snap judgements, and often being an enemy to the Cross that bore my sin. Thanks for not being like me Jesus-I'm really glad you aren't. Passionately Dreaming and Aspiring to be "An Afflux of Authentic Life" that is found in Jesus- s