Confessional Christianity

It's hard following Jesus. Some days I want to quit. As I grow older, the more I realize just how full of pride I am. It's becoming quite burdensome on my heart, my soul. The weight is more than I can bear, and confessing this to those who'd respond w/ > "Just give it to Jesus"- only adds to my immeasureable pride as thoughts of evil murder race through my mind. I often seek counsel as a pretense in order to solicate- "No, Sam, you are doing the right thing. You are brilliant!". I find myself looking down on people as if they have no business counseling me. PRIDE- is the death of me. I'm in a hell that I have no ability, and in all honesty-it appears little desire to escape. I say this b/c I desire greatly to escape, and yet I feed this Hellish pride constantly. I used to think that being a good Christian was to be a Confessional Christian- that is one who Professes Jesus with great oratory exuberance. The more verbose I was in lauding Him, the better Christian I was/am. Its rather easy to speak well of Jesus, even to those who could care less about him. He's quite popular. And speaking well of him actually, frequently serves the Pride that seems to encapsulates me succintly. So, I learning experientially that Confessing Christianity is crucial- only I suck at it. I hate it. I've been trying to confess my pride, wickedness......its really hard. Its hard because it like spreading your legs while providing steal-toed boots to the listener(s) and saying- "Go ahead- kick away". Such vulnerability is difficult to say the least. For the most part people either say nothing- or offer trite counsel that seems an attempt to thwart my pride w/ their's-which only serves as a reminder of why my pride needs confessing-b/c I don't was someone elses pride to be the source of humbling I so desparetly need. So where does that leave me? I wish I had something profound to say to the one of two readers of this pathetic attempt to expose my own pride the enslaves me to a self-imposed hell. But I have nothing profound to say. I'm tired. I'm extremely insecure these days. I feel unappreciated (I realize this is my pride, and not really a testament to those in my life). And as I think through- I can proudly boast why I should be appreciated, but my pride through insecuties wins the battle. I am trapped on all sides by my own wickedness. I realize that this type of vulnerable confession-well gives cause for other's to crush me. Perhaps that's what I need. I doubt too many will read this (If any at all). That's fine. Somehow I feel better putting it out there. I, somewhere hidden deep inside of me, is this desire to live for the glory of Jesus, his way/life, and as him (in my 'effed' up way) for the good of others. I am trying to learn his humility- the kind that left Divine Privilleges, to be Human-and not in the Adamic sense, but the "this sucks" sense. Some how amidst the Hell of life on earth, he discovered, demonstrate Heaven. I've seen it a few times......and I want to see it more. So-I confess! I confess I am one prideful bastard...literally.. I'm an illegetimate child of God (I don't mean this as anything on God, but only my own unworthiness). God, I am sorry. I wish I could overcome this, but I can't. LORD, you know what I can and can't handle better than me. So, when I feel crushed, help me to see that you thought I could handle it. Help me to see that confessing it is only helping me grow. You know what I am trying to say. In my mind I am laboring to find profound ways of saying this to potentially impress that guy who'll read this (thanks Jason)...so I just say-sorry for being so full of pride. .... Maybe I should get some Manpons for my PMS (Prideful Man Syndrome).